Guess who jumped off the deep end.

So.. I joined a gym today. Leave your laughter at the door. Let me tell you how it happened and I finally succumbed to doing it.

While I was at the mall a few weeks ago with my family, I saw one of those boxes. You know the type - clear, big flyer advertising something, and entry forms. This one was for a gym. I filled out a few.. okay like 4 entry forms and shoved them in there and walked away quickly and thought nothing more of it.
And then I got an email. An email saying I won a free 24 month membership to aforementioned gym. This was the final kick in my rear I needed. Costs have kept me from joining because a.) gyms are expensive and b.) I make little to no money. I sat and looked at that email. And then I printed it out.

The next day, I went to the gym and showed them the email and got signed up. There are a few monthly costs, but way less than the gym I was thinking of joining. Like half the cost of it. I was super scared by the fact that I was signing a contract saying that not only am I committing to paying a monthly fee but I'm committing to actually use what I'm paying for. I freaked out a bit in my head. And I might have bit my nails a lot.

Which brings me to the next spot in our story. The day I signed up, I also scheduled a training session. Today I had that training session. And man am I mad about it.

Firstly, I showed up on time. But was told I was half an hour late. Wrong I said, I was told I was scheduled at 4. Then I was taken back to an office to meet the trainer I was having my consultation with. He was huge. Like 300lb+ bodybuilder huge. I was really intimidated by this huge man. We talked a bit about what I wanted to accomplish. Then he told me what I could do and then we went and executed that plan - weight lifting, curling, squatting, wall sits, and something that reallllly made my stomach muscles hurt - the plank of torture. We finished there, and while I was panting walked to his office with wobbly knees that were shaking. Wobbly and shaking. Similar words with same meaning used for emphasis.

He wanted to sign me up to have two training session with him a week. It would costs me about half my paycheck per week. I said it was not financially viable. He asked if one session would work. Still not possible. We talked about two sessions a month, roughly $20 a week. I thought about it for a while. He kept telling me that I wasn't committing to it because I was scared. He told me that I must not want it bad enough if I couldn't find $20 a week to reach my goals. He made me feel like crap. I realize that some people really want to help someone reach their goals, but I felt like he was trying to guilt me into paying him and signing up for training sessions. I said I'd have to think about it and he said I was going to walk out that door and not do it.

And I haven't. And I won't.

Because I don't like being told what to do, being guilted into doing something, committing to financially pay someone like that. I don't like being made to feel inferior, powerless, or be ashamed of my body or my situation. And that's what I felt like.

So I came home, talked to my mom who said she would help me find a workout plan that I wouldn't have to pay for. I want to do things my way and I don't want to feel pressured.

Being a fat body in a gym is like wearing hunter's orange in the middle of a war zone. I am putting myself on display and up for judgement because of my size and every effort I make is going to be scrutinized. Isn't a big enough step that I joined a gym? Grrr.

I am still committed to working out, but I just have a bad taste in my mouth about it today.

Movies to see this year.

Included on this list are movies that I hope to see this year, whether new or not.
The girl with the dragon tattoo
The help
The adventures of tin tin
War house
The avengers
Rock of ages

Service Work Reflection

          I’ll be honest, when I hear service learning, my heart drops. I’m all for volunteering, but there’s just something about being told to volunteer that feels forced, but hey, maybe that’s the rebel in me. It’s not the service part that gets me; it’s the being required to do it. Nonetheless, I generally enjoy volunteering enough to overcome my rebellious spirit and find something to do.

          Which leads me to Saint Stock. I wandered somewhat aimlessly around the gym looking at different organizations and what I would be doing. Working at the old folk’s home? Eh, not so much. Calling people for donations? Not my style. Mentoring? Getting warmer. Tutoring? Warmer still. WORD Project ESL? How interesting, let’s sign up. A week later I found myself at Steepletown Center sitting down in a meeting room with two nuns, a few older women, and a few students. And then I found a spot for me in the midst.